Self Loathing in Middle England
There’s something wrong with me.
I’m not an acedemically educated person. I’m also not the brightest spark.
What i do know is i like to know how to do things, usually physical, tangible things. I like to learn.
The problem i have is attention. If i get bored or have to read too much, my mind just starts jumbling things, and thinking about something else.
Numbers really get me, but i can work past that usually. I find it difficult.
Public speaking, or trying to relay information is really difficult. I mean i forget words, and just can’t explain things very well. I enjoy teaching and helping people, but sometimes don’t have the capacity to do so. The information is up there, it’s on the tip of my tongue but my brain stops me and i don’t know why.
But they aren’t the main problems. I can work on them.. i think.
The main issue for me is, when i get good at something, i then feel the need to drop it.. Mostly getting overwhelmed with the prospect of being asked to do something custom, or having to do some work for someone. That Massively Anxious feeling of not being good enough, even though i’ve proved i can do something.
For instance, my Artwork has sold, painted mdf signs, saws and painted petrol cans. I’m good enough, but in my eyes, need to imporve my lettering and striping. I don’t do all that much because my mind always goes to, ‘everyone else is better than you’ I see art everywhere and catch some inspiration for my own, but the work other people do is just so natural. It doesn’t come naturally to me in any way.
My photography. I’ve shot weddings successfully, i’ve shot events and dance groups. I’ve shot with lights, natural light and created some lovely night time shots of the milky way and starscapes. Ive won competitions for my Landscape and Nature Photogrpahy. I have sold my landscapes, car photos and nightscapes. I love shooting the dance groups, BUT i always look at others work, and think….Is mine as good, Is there something i can do better, and then spiral into a complete mindfuck of self doubt.
My main job is in IT, but feel a lot that it’s more customer relations half the time. I have always been just good enough to get by in my opinion. I know enough to help people. I know a little about most things, but need guidance on a lot of aspects. Again, i spiral into a mindset of, i don’t know what i’m doing and have had previous panic attacks over it, amongst other things.
I’ve take up training again to try and rebuild my physical health after the pandemic. I started with my daughter doing Shotokan Karate at a local club. It’s something i used to do Decades ago. A lot of it came back very quickly, but because i’m getting a bit older, my joints are a little less able to deal with heavy work at the moment, i don’t think i’m progressing as well as i could do. I’m not sure to be honest.
I ran for council, and now thinking about running again when the local elections come up. I learnt a lot first time round, and now trying to help my community in a few ways. I’m helping the volunteer litter pickers, pushing and prodding the council for help with youth centres, trying to hold to account companies for dumping waste and everything else a good person could do.
But it’s exhausting. I’m mentally at a point, where i’m feeling overloaded. Keeping it together for now though.
I do feel, previously that i couldn’t express my feelings as much as i have started doing sometimes. I rarely speak out about my own health, mentally, because it’s my issue, not anyone elses. I don’t want to look weak in admitting i have a series of issues.
I am trying to help myself by working hard on what i percieve to be my faults.
Anyway, i digress
If you know me, try and keep me pointed in the right direction. Help me stay positive. If i do something well, just give me a headsup. If there is something i can improve, tell me in a CONSTRUCTIVE manner, and maybe point me in the right direction for some help to allow myself to improve.
I know at the end of the day, these are my issues, and things i need to improve on. I’m trying to…reach out to an extent, to let people know i find things hard. Nothing really comes naturally to me, and i have to work hard at everything i try. It’s fucking exhausting sometimes. Please bear with me though, and i will make it. IF you see me spiraling, or notice my words and actions change a bit, not just on the socials but anywhere else you might happen to see me, just give me a nod.
A massive amount of self loathing there, but the message is, if you have friends who need something, some help, someone to talk to…if you can do something to help however little. Sometimes just a message will do it.
Apologies for going out on some tangents, but i feel i just needed to get it out. but take away the message to help people when you can.
About Me.
I’m Gareth, a 42 year old IT contractor, Photographer, Optimist, Blogger and Maker/Restorer of things.
Trying to make my life as full as possible with learning experiences, and helping others along the way.
I love cooking, making, restoring/upcycling boxes, doing fun stuff with my family, photography, giving myself skills and learning something new everyday.
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